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A man in Abergavenny, a market town in Monmouthshire, Wales, swears he has been condemned to live in a haunted house by a powerful warlock. He says the warlock cast a spell on him after he returned to his body from the astral realms one day.
“It’s a bit of a blow when you realize a manipulative magician regards you as little more than a worthless maggot wriggling on the hook to catch a supernatural fish with,” semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip explained to the Abergavenny Chronicle. “But it’s not like me and the boys had any choice in the manner. It was a catch-22 situation!”
Turnip says he and his friends have been condemned to live in the haunted house called the Cherry Tree Cottage by the warlock because he wants to use them as bait to draw out an ancient and all-powerful evil, according to the Chronicle report.
The warlock, Earl Elderflower, had already cast his spell on Turnip’s friends when he returned to his body, so it was then that he knew it was too late to do anything about it.
“Seeing Big Tony convinced that he was B.A. Baracus and Puerto Rico Paul thinking he was Simon LeBon was heartbreaking,” Turnip said. “I’ve seen those two clowns in some proper states, especially in the late nineties, but this was something else, this was sorcery!”
He claims the only way he can break the spell is to do the warlock’s bidding.
“Apparently there’s this haunted house in rural Wales that no one will stay the night in, let alone live in,” he explained. “It’s got a fearsome reputation in both the locality and in the occult world because it’s like the Hotel California of restless spirits.
“Elderflower told me that not only is it haunted by everyone from a burnt witch, an unlucky postman, and a failed musician but it’s a holiday home to one of Satan’s lieutenants.”
Turnip says the warlock told him that he and his friends’ “simple and unguarded ways would put the ancient spirit at ease.” When that happens, Elderflower will “make his move and trap it ‘like lightning in a bottle!'”
Naturally, after hearing all of that, Johnny Turnip realized he had no choice.
“What could I do? Risk sanity and soul in a warlock’s mind game?” he asked. “Or condemn my friends to live the rest of their days believing they were two minor celebrities from the 1980s? The choice was crystal.”
On the plus side, Turnip told the warlock he would only do it on one condition: a special treat for New Year’s Eve.
“Me and the boys like to go big at the end of December so there better be a fridge full of beer, a cupboard full of whiskey, and some bread to toast the next day and soak up the sauce!”
“Your wish is my command,” Elderflower replied, locking him to moving into the haunted house on New Year’s Eve, but not without a plan.
“The situation is not as dire as it at first might seem,” he said. “I have a plan to outwit this warlock and have the last laugh.”